Being self-aware as a single mom is essential.
We set the mood in our home and must be careful how we come across to our kids.
And we may think that we are hiding stress from our kids, but they pick it up more than we know.
A few months ago, I was shocked when I heard one of the kids comment that I was always having a bad day. I stopped and looked at him. I’m usually a reasonably happy person.
I almost dismissed it as a disgruntled child who was mad about chores. But instead, I slowed down and gave it some thought.
It was hard to admit, but I’m usually behind in my responsibilities and often feel overwhelmed.
As a mom, I had hoped to keep it together so my kids would have a healthy childhood. I am mindful of talking, laughing, having a positive touch, and going on adventures with them.
But honestly, it may be possible that they are feeling how much pressure I am under daily.
We live in survival mode.
We may not know the extent of this until we become more self-aware.
There is insufficient money, time, and energy to meet every need. This reality builds stress and pressure. Most of us wake up and go to bed with this tension.
Because of this, we need to consider our mental health and how we are coming across to our kids.
Their perceptions and feelings are critical! And should not be disregarded or belittled!
You may feel that their perceptions are a little off, and they may be. But how they feel is always valid. These feelings and perceptions are what they will take into adulthood.
We need to take measures to ensure that we acknowledge and validate them.
Perceptions and feelings are why some parents have relationships with their adult children and some do not.
I have a lot of excuses for my disgruntled behavior, but facing life in a constant state of stress and anxiety isn’t good for these kids or me.
And honestly, until I made a plan about being more self-aware, I didn’t know the extent of my stress level.
What kind of memories will they have?
I don’t want them to remember this much unhappiness.
It pricked my heart. But how to change? How do I keep track of my good days versus bad days? Que the frugal calendar!
They give them out everywhere! (You’re welcome! Cheap is my middle name!)
Being self-aware as a single mom is needed.
We go for days on end in survival mode. I’m reasonably confident that we go entire days without breathing. As far as having a mental health day? That is a luxury I rarely get.
I’m lucky when I get to visit the restroom without interruption. When we are the sole providers and caretakers, we’re just busy, and there is no way around that.
That is why this is so important.
We must consciously keep track of how we are doing mentally and emotionally. Only then can we see the changes we need to make.
After my charming son commented on my disagreeable mood, I realized I needed to keep track of how many bad days I was having.
I can barely remember what I did yesterday, and all the days run together.
Keeping track of my mental health was going to be something I purposely did.
Hence, the calendar method to become more self-aware.
I’m not brilliant, but I did come up with the Circle versus the Big X method! It’s boring but effective. I’ve made up for my lack of creativity in visual clarity. And cheapness! Original, eh?
I’m sure many techy women are rolling their eyes at me. That’s okay! I roll my eyes at myself some days, and I’m not offended!
The idea is to be mindful of how we are doing consistently.
Here are some free calendar options:
Life is in the details!
The days I felt okay got a big black circle.
But on the days I was shaky or emotionally vulnerable, the day got a red circle or a black squiggly circle.
The days I completely lost my temper and fell apart, the day I got the big black X.
When I started this method, I felt I did not belong anywhere!
My self-esteem had hit bottom. I had been going through some drastic changes.
The calendar method was eye-opening. Somedays were brutal!
But it was amazing to see how I could see a bad day coming and do things to lessen or alleviate the stress.
For instance, when I could tell I was particularly discouraged, I would take an “easy day.”
I would make a little note on my calendar to track what was eating me.
Maybe let the kids watch a little more TV. Maybe grab a bite.
On those days, especially the early ones in this process, I acknowledged them and gave myself much more grace.
Days of Grace:
We have suffered a world of loss. Very few of us chose to parent alone. There is grief in that.
There is anxiety about meeting every physical and emotional need our children have. We give others grace on hard days; it’s time to give ourselves grace on rough days.
Some of us don’t get out. We simply cannot. There is no one to call or to help with childcare. Not many people understand this situation.
We have kids that are hurting. And kids do not usually say, “I’m hurting because Dad left.”
They throw fits or stare blankly at walls instead of doing homework. They need time and compassion. And a grace day now and then.
We need to acknowledge that some days are just too hard. And on those days, we do easy.
We cuddle on the couch, watch a show, and grab a cheap burger.
And it’s during this time that we show ourselves and our babies a little compassion.
Why not if it can help us get through our meltdowns and theirs? One day of rest and compassion for ourselves may be precisely how we stop a complete breakdown.
And the next day, we can get up and do what we need.
We need to see how many days we are overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, and losing our tempers.
Because of our busy lives, an accurate view of this helps us to deal with life more effectively.
For more on creating a peaceful atmosphere in your home, please consider this post:
https://www.singlemomoutwest.com/parenting-as-single-mom/creating-a-peaceful-home-environment/
