There are many ways to be a safe place as a single mom. I, however, need to review them. One of my kids told me not long ago, “I would tell you something that’s bothering me, but you would be so mad.”
Great. I thought I had done a pretty good job of being a safe place as a mom.
But I failed to entrust the ability to be honest with this one. And I admit, it broke my heart. I did not want to drop the ball in this vast area.
A friend of mine consistently responds to his children with grace, compassion, and honesty. I would have done well to respond to my children in this way.
He has spent his parenthood teaching his children that he wants to know all about them.
The truth is, I occasionally fly off the handle or respond in anger to everyday childhood behaviors. Is it any wonder that I have failed to build trust?
Have I acted interested in their lives? Do I listen without judgment?
I realize that if I look closely enough, there are ways for me to be a safe place for my children as a single mom.
It’s time I start applying these guidelines! Maybe they will help you too!
Realize you only have a certain amount of time to build this relationship. Respond accordingly. Cherish your time!
You can try afterward, but you may not be as successful. These eighteen years are God’s gift to you!
You have unlimited and more often interrupted time during these years.
Teaching your children that you are a safe place to rest requires a few things.
Consistent decisions that are best for them. This includes sobriety, romantic relationships, jobs, and consideration for their physical and emotional needs.
None of these decisions are easy, but each one carries untold weight and impacts the child in a deeply personal way.
A childhood lost to our poor decisions cannot be returned.
Acknowledge emotions and address them as that child’s truth in the moment.
A professor once told me always to acknowledge emotions as a person’s truth. She wisely said that while a person’s perspective might be skewed, if you respond to their emotion, they will feel “heard.”
A child’s perspective may be off, and we as adults may know that, but they will feel heard only if allowed to have their feelings.
Then, we can process these emotions with them. And show them how to do this healthily.
Denying the emotion only makes the person feel unheard and invalidated, which leads to stuffing emotions and unhealthy ways of dealing with them.
I’m convinced that depression and other negative behaviors come from the way people were taught to deal with their “feelings.”
Admit your mistakes in an age-appropriate way.
Coming to life with a bit of humility helps. Acknowledging past mistakes does wonders for building relationships, especially with kids.
And as they age. One of my most cherished memories is when my mom (who I thought never sinned) told me one of her biggest mistakes.
We humans make mistakes. And our children need someone that they can relate to.
An apology and an acknowledgment will go a long way to building trust.
Also, what we learned from our mistakes and how we handled them.
Invest in truth and character training.
Someone will guide our children. If we do not step up and embrace our jobs, someone else will do it.
As single moms, we are so busy! But this is our job! Don’t let truth and character training be lost to those with questionable values.
Focus on the Family is an excellent resource for parents.
https://www.focusonthefamily.com/
When you discipline, safeguard the relationship.
One of the wisest pieces of advice I got when I began my single mom journey was from my children’s counselor.
She told me that whatever discipline I handed out should be developmentally appropriate and, secondly, my relationship with my children should be protected.
I’ve made many mistakes during this journey and have blown it so many times, but this has kept me from making even more mistakes.
Singe moms get handed a lot of uninvited advice. And some of that advice can be very harsh. But knowing what you want to safeguard can give you balance.
It’s not too late to become the safe place for your child.
Today, I’m starting over. Sure. I’ve blown it. And I’ll have a fair amount of apologizing. But I must believe that while I’ve made my mistakes, my children know I love them.
This time, they will know that I am a safe place and that they can tell me anything.
Perhaps you need to start over. Rebuilding trust may take a while, but it can be done with one better response or decision at a time.
