This week, I have been coping with shame.
Something happened. I tried my best to handle the situation the best I could, but I failed.
The “I should’ve done this instead” list began to surface.
And I found myself embarrassed and ashamed, sending a frantic apologetic text to a friend.
All was right, and she forgave in just a few minutes. But the shame lingered until I stopped to think about it.
Why were these feelings of shame and embarrassment staying?
As I looked closer, I could finally see the reasons why. After this, I was able to move forward peacefully.
I want to share this with you.
Feelings of shame may be caused by accusation.
My friend knew that I meant well and forgave me quickly. I had just received the wrong information. So, I don’t think that was the problem.
But there was someone else who attacked me during this time.
A borage of text that spoke accusation and lies over me. I’m sure you know how this goes.
“You always. I could expect this from you. You are always overreacting. You take something simple and overcomplicate it. All you do is create drama.”
I tried to remain calm and address the problem without attacking the person. But their belittling got to me.
Their belittling caused me shame. Or rather, their unchecked belittling caused me shame.
I stopped to analyze their accusation.
“Was this what I usually did? Not at all. I was addressing what I considered an unsafe and emotionally harmful situation.
However, the person who accused me is also a person who does not address unhealthy situations.
Addictions are allowed to continue. Bullying is accepted as part of life. Verbal abuse is often the way they address and control others.
Once I had identified the accusation and looked to see where it came from, I could step back and know it was faulty.
I had been wrong. And I acknowledge that. But to take on more than that would be incorrect as well.
There is another accuser that we, as humans, deal with.
Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
“Now have come the salvation and the power
and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of his Messiah.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,
who accuses them before our God day and night,
has been hurled down. Revelations 12:10
Satan is the accuser.
My counselor has told me that Satan often tricks us into thinking that we are saying this about ourselves. When in reality, the accusations are straight from him.
Acknowledge that someone is accusing you. See who it is. And analyze them. It’s not okay to accept abuse from anyone.
There is a difference between a healthy person talking to you about a mistake you’ve made and trying to resolve it. But accusations and abuse often come from unhealthy people with troubling issues.
Satan may come to accuse you again. Say out loud, ‘Satan, in the name of Jesus, Leave me alone.!” Quote verses. But fight back. Do not accept his condemnation of you!
Feelings of shame may come from not dealing with your past.
Let’s face it. We all have a past. Good, bad, or ugly. And the past rarely stays in the past.
But if you are constantly dealing with shame and guilt from your past, it might be time to resolve them or come to a place of peace about them.
My past is full of poor decisions and unhealthy behaviors. It took me a long time to realize that my younger self was just trying to survive. She could barely keep her head above water. I wrote about that here.
https://www.singlemomoutwest.com/giving-yourself-grace/
I remember when I was a little girl hearing about what happens if you bump a bucket of water. Whatever is in the bucket will spill out.
When you are full of shame and you get bumped, it’s bound to spill out.
That’s what happens in life. We are bound to get bumped.
It’s time to deal with it.
If you are struggling with unresolved shame, you may want to consider seeing a licensed Christian counselor.
Christian Therapists | Christian Counselor Directory
When coping with shame, make sure the weights are balanced.
I tend to hang my head and accept all blame when confronted with my mistakes. But this is not right.
A false balance is abomination to the Lord: but a just weight is his delight. Proverbs 11:1 KJV
I’m not trying to take this verse out of context. But years ago, someone told me that accepting all of the blame when other faulty parties are involved is to accept a false weight or an unbalanced scale.
So, accept your part of the issue—own that—but look at the situation with clear eyes.
Who did what? What part did you play in this situation? And own what you have done.
Even if your mistake was trusting someone else, not asking enough questions, jumping to conclusions, or looking deeply into a situation, these mistakes cause trouble.
I was guilty of that. Someone I thought I could trust told me something, and I did not look into the situation as deeply as I needed to.
I was responsible for this, but I did not arrive at this place alone. Others had made previous mistakes that had already raised red flags.
I was guilty of some of it, but not all of it.
Keep your weights balanced.
Repent and ask forgiveness for what you have done.
Address the situation with whoever you made the mistake with. Apologise.
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5: 23-24 NIV
Make it right as soon as you can. Maybe just a call or visit. But make an apology. Take responsibility for the wrong that you have done.
Ask God to forgive you.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 KJV
God will forgive. You can be cleansed.
After dealing with your shame, walk on.
Do not stay where you have been.
Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Phillippians 3:13-14 KJV
You have done your best to resolve the issue. Please do not continue to dwell on it.
If someone has a question, answer it fully and address the situation. But that is the end of it.
Please do not allow yourself to dwell on it. And do not allow others to shame or belittle you with your mistakes.
