Advice for newly single moms should be compassionate and careful. These first steps can lead us into further chaos and pain or towards hope and healing.
The beginning of the end.
The end of my marriage was messy, just like everyone else’s.
It was a runaway train and a sinking ship.
By the end, I was a disaster, and so were my kids.
I had good people around me. But that was about it.
I made a ton of mistakes, and I did a few things right. If I can save you from making the same mistakes that I did, I would love that!
Find great people.
A licensed Christian counselor will provide wise guidance. Choose someone who you can relate and connect with.
Circle the wagons. Minimize the time spent with harsh, legalistic people. And only let the safe, stable, and compassionate people in.
Focus on encouraging and helpful material during this time.
Books, radios, videos, and podcasts. There are so many out there for single moms.
Give yourself space.
Set aside time for grieving, processing, and change. Taking the time now and creating space to work through hard things is vital.
Guard their time as well as your own. This is not the time to start new sports, clubs, or activities. Everyone needs time to settle down.
Be the safe place for your kids.
They need someone they can trust. A quiet place where they can grieve and process what is happening is essential for their emotional health.
Tell them the truth, but the age-appropriate truth. Please do not use them as emotional sounding boards or spend time talking badly about the other parent.
Let them be close to you during these times. They are going to be more clingy. Let them be. Be available to them as much as you can.
Hold them, love them, and make them know that you love them and that you can be trusted with their hearts.
Discipline carefully.
Discipline is necessary, but there needs to be a fair amount of insight here.
It would help if you asked why the child is out of control, and you may need to ask why you are out of control.
It’s easy to blame them, but sadly, we create situations and environments that cause chaos and instability.
The following are genuine issues that will need to be addressed while disciplining:
- Emotional pain.
- Fear of what’s happening
- The inability to process changes.
- Chaos in the home.
- Unsafe situations.
- Lack of emotionally available mom.
- Insecurity.
My children’s counselor gave me sound advice: Ensure you expect developmentally and age-appropriate behavior.
Guard your relationship with them.
It’s not just that you know you love them; they need you to take the time to show them in unique ways that you love them.
Don’t let misunderstandings or perceptions steal your relationships.
Act purposefully. And always keep the relationship intact.
Focus on routine.
This provides kids with stability. They know what to expect next.
A chaotic environment creates insecure kids.
Safe and stable allows kids to grow in stability and maturity.
Be consistent about bringing positive experiences into their lives.
Give them good memories! In times of pain, give them good things to focus on. Don’t let pain be the only thing they remember. Here are some options:
- Build a backyard pond. We have used stock tanks. They are reasonably easy and can be done in smaller areas.
- If you have enough room and it’s legal, buy a few chickens.
- Buy a kitten or a pet if you can care for it in a stable and long-term environment.
- Buy a swim pass for the family. A good swim gets the wiggles out and the stress. But only if the whole family is for it.
- Parks, picnics, and museums. They are relatively cheap, and kids usually have a good time with them.
Plan the future slowly and carefully.
Considering how much your decisions will impact your future and theirs, prayerfully deciding what happens next is essential.
Each of these issues will need to be addressed eventually:
- Employment and finances
- Childcare
- Schooling
- Housing
- Faith
- Emotional health
- Co-parenting
- Protecting vulnerable kids from unhealthy people or toxic situations
- Stable, healthy, and non-chaotic schedules.
- Consider wisely which voices you will listen to. There are many demands for single moms. Only choose wisdom.
These decisions will require sound counsel, prayer, reading, and careful consideration of your options. God will lead. And God will provide.
Make changes slowly. Kids need time to process changes.
Becoming a single mom is difficult, but don’t give up hope.
You will get through this and, with God’s help, create a whole and happy life for yourself and those precious children.
For further consideration on What Single Parents Need Most, please consider this post:
https://www.singlemomoutwest.com/parenting-as-single-mom/what-single-parents-need-most/
