Learning to create boundaries as a single mom is vital.
We overextended in every area. Practicing good boundaries about what we can and cannot do will protect us from emotional and physical exhaustion.
The purpose of boundaries.
The old saying “good fences make good neighbors” is entirely accurate. I’m not great at boundaries, but I’m learning.
And as single moms, acknowledging limits can be empowering. Things begin to change when one truly understands what she is responsible for and is not responsible for.
There is a purpose to a boundary. This isn’t done out of vindictiveness or retaliation but out of necessity.
I’m not putting up a fence because I’m angry at my neighbor.
I’m putting up a fence so we both understand what’s expected. It’s as simple as “This is what I can do.”
I cannot control other people and their actions and lives. Only the things in my yard are under my control. And that gives me freedom.
This frees up my time and energy!
There is no need for me to micro-manage others. As my counselor says, “You are not their Holy Spirit.”
I’ve spent a lot of time in chaos. And maybe that’s why this has been so empowering.
There have been many times in which loud, powerful people have pushed me around. And at the time, I seemed almost helpless to do anything about it.
It did not occur to me that I could politely look the person in the eye and tell them that this situation was not working for me.
Perhaps it’s because we have been trained to be polite and to go out of our way to help another person. And I agree, there are many times this is acceptable.
But there are times when we must realize that going along with their request or demand is upsetting our lives and our peace.
Consider the areas that need boundaries.
Creating a list of areas that need boundaries is a great place to start. Look for the problem areas.
Is there a consistent situation in which you lose your peace? Possibly a relationship that is always on edge?
These areas include, but are not limited to:
- tense pick-up and drop-offs for kids
- someone who has strong beliefs about your life and becomes upset when you disagree with them
- a consistent lack of time because someone or something needs to be limited
- judgemental and unsafe people
- financial difficulties that are caused by someone else
- housing situations that frazzle nerves and create conflict
Look first for the areas of deep unrest. Write them down and provide details.
This will help you understand what boundaries have been crossed and why they were needed in the first place.
For instance, I recently discovered that dropping off kids at a neutral location decreases my stress and creates a more peaceful environment for the kids and me.
This clear boundary has made a massive difference for me.
How to create boundaries.
Now that you have identified the areas that need boundaries consider how you would like to begin implementing them and what they will be.
Some areas need big, sturdy fences because those situations or individuals tend to be more intrusive.
But there may be some areas that can simply be tweaked or realigned.
Be gentle but firm.
You may need to explain that while this may work for others, life is complicated for you, and doing it this way is more convenient or peaceful for you and your children.
Start small and work your way up.
A person may not know that this has been an issue for you. It’s possible that you do not even need to mention that they have crossed a boundary.
It may be easier and more effective to say that you would like to do this differently.
Boundary benefits.
These benefits can include a new sense of peace—a calm and peaceful order in your home and life.
This subject may be difficult or complex, but it is worth sorting out.
Being a woman with boundaries sets us up for a calm and orderly life. We are not sentenced to living a chaotic life. We can make decisions that bring peace and joy!
For additional information on boundaries, please consider this book from Drs. Cloud and Townsend, Boundaries.
For additional information regarding parenting and disciplining as a single mom, please consider this post:
https://www.singlemomoutwest.com/parenting-as-single-mom/how-to-discipline-kids/
