I’m not Shakespeare, but here’s my funny romance short story.
One short romance story saturated with too much reality.
Ridiculous Romance Movies.
It’s romance season on TV. And it’s killing me. One may think my divorce made me cynical or jaded, but these stories are a bit unrelatable!
I cannot identify with a 25-year-old with a degree in journalism who teaches at a prestigious university and looks good in a bikini!
She was born rich and has made wise financial choices.
These people have been airbrushed and lack any reality!
Nope! Not happening. I’ve changed too many diapers and gained 20 pounds I can’t seem to get rid of, and the perfect romance has long since sailed.
But I could write my own…And I might do that! So, hold on to your seats for romance with a dose of reality!
When Alice meets Alfred. A drama by the sea.
Told with enough truth to make the whole thing bearable.
Not poetic, but bearable.
Alice opened the front door facing the ocean and angrily swept out the sand. Again.
Her yoga pants rode down over her slightly plump middle section, and her left sock was wet from the dog water.
She sat down weary on the front step. Four kids and one divorce can take the wind out of your sails. No children were bothering her. That alone should have concerned her.
But she was too tired to be wary and leaned back against the old house.
One would have thought that getting a beach house in the divorce settlement would have been great.
And she had bought the lie from her slick ex-husband. “A nice place to raise the kids,” he had said.
She should have been concerned then as well. But she just wanted it all to be over. And she took the isolated beach house she had never seen.
The good news was that it hadn’t blown over, and it gave the kids a place to run around. It was a bit breezy, and a thin layer of sand on the floor was a way of life now.
Thankfully, the climate was mild, and she managed, but barely.
Alice rested her head against the house and looked out into the bay. The same middle-aged fisherman was bringing in another catch of fish.
The man seemed muscular with a mid-drift problem. His pants often drifted downward as he worked, revealing a glowing white backside.
He had recently begun wearing suspenders. Although she was relieved, the children had less to giggle at.
Alfred looked up from his fishing net and saw the pretty woman leaning against the house. He smiled and waved a calloused hand.
As he watched her, something caught his attention. On top of the house, a boy, who looked about eleven, was using the roof as a tightrope.
The smile left his face, and a concerned look replaced it.
He began to point at the house excitedly. The woman smiled and waved back. As the man continued his frantic behavior, Alice began to think the old codger may have some concerning mental issues.
But not wanting to be rude, she nodded her head and waved.
At this time, Alice began to hear strange noises from above—quiet footsteps, followed by excited children’s voices, and lastly, a scream.
She looked up to see the commotion and caught the boy, who was nearly as big as she was.
They toppled onto the sand. Somehow, his elbow had caught her front tooth and knocked it out.
Alice sat on the beach holding the bloody front tooth in her hand. She looked at the boy.
He appeared to be okay. She was unable to find words and pointed to his room.
The kid got up, dusted off his pants, gave her a hesitant glance, went quietly to his room, and promised not to make any more trouble for a week.
Now, Alfred was a man with a big heart but a smaller brain. Concerned for the woman, he brought the boat too close to the shore and ran aground.
He dropped the anchor and swam ashore.
Alfred smiled widely and offered the poor woman a hand up. She took his hand and noticed he was also missing his front tooth. He liked her smile, and she liked the twinkle in his eye.
After a stunned and awkward introduction, the following happened.
Please keep up. You don’t have enough time to read an outrageously long story, and I have a mountain of laundry to do.
So, here goes.
Alfred gets the boat unstuck and brings Alice flowers. Then she makes him dinner.
The children initially detest Albert, but he rescues the family cat from a wayward shark. He also takes them fishing and gives them boat rides. They finally accept him.
The slick ex-husband returns briefly, but Albert makes him walk the plank (don’t worry, the sharks swimming below are “baby sharks, do do dadoo, baby sharks do do dadoo.”)
And Slick learns his lesson and treats Alice more respectfully in a co-parenting relationship.
After two purposeful and well-thought-out years, Alfred proposes, and Alice accepts. Then, they both engage in long-term family counseling, and Alfred takes step-parenting classes.
They skip the honeymoon and get their front teeth fixed instead because they don’t have the money to do both.
And they live happily ever after with a few intense adjustments.—The End.
For an actual reality check, please consider my additional post!
